Sometimes, life really sucks

The past couple of months, I feel as though the universe hates me. Like, I've done something really terrible, something so bad that karma can't wait to get back at me and just needs to throw all of the shit my way just to make things even.

Ben had his surgery. And everything went as well as it could possibly go, and he's well on track for a full and complete recovery. Which is awesome, and so NOT a bad thing, but it was really fucking stressful for a long while, and I just didn't have a lot left over to deal with everything that's come since.

So my cat died, and part of me is very logically minded so I'm like it's just a cat, but then the other side of me can't stop crying myself to sleep at night because he's no longer laying on my feet.

I was at the hospital myself while Ben was there, because I've had a lot of gynaecological issues and I was hoping to get them sorted. I was originally going to have ablation therapy (they stick a balloon up into your uterus and burn away the lining, giving relief for a few years), but when I got there, my consultant told me it wasn't a good idea because of my blood clotting issue. So then I had to go back to someone else and go all through my history again to work out something else. I used to be on the combined pill, because it was the only thing that worked, but when I had my pulmonary embolism during my second pregnancy, they told me I couldn't go back on it. So I've been suffering from all these issues for 13 years. However, it turns out that what they wrote in my patient history was that I had experienced a deep vein thrombosis (blood clot in the leg) rather than the blood clot in my lung during pregnancy, and THAT was the only reason why I couldn't go back on the pill. So, I have been suffering from heavy cramping, periods that last 10 days or longer, such a heavy flow that I literally can't stand upright without a cascade down my legs, clots the size of my palm, FOR NOTHING. So I'm back on the pill, which is a good thing, but I'm so angry about it I can barely articulate it.

Then, last week, I started getting pains in my right shoulder. It got so bad, pain radiating down my arm and making it all numb and tingly, that my mum took me to the hospital to get it checked out. Turns out, I have a herniating disc on the C7 vertebra, putting pressure on the right brachial nerve. I had to stay in hospital for a couple of days while they monitored the swelling, because if it didn't go down, they would have had to perform spinal surgery before I completely lost the use of my right arm. It did eventually go down, but I am still in pain and on drugs, which makes it really hard to do stuff around the house, which I am still doing on my own because Ben's still recuperating.

Fuck 2017, to be honest.

Oh, on the plus side, I have 2 brand new kittens, who we've called Samson and Jackson - Sam and Jack for short - and they are just adorable! Sam is a grey tabby who can get into anything if he just tries hard enough. I found him in the washing machine yesterday. Jack is an orange tabby (with orange spots on his tummy!) who is an angry little ball of fluff - he hissed at the tv cable this morning when it got in his way. They are just 2 wonderful spots of brightness in a dark November, and I love them. This entry was originally posted at Please comment either there or here.
  • Current Mood: drained drained

I'm so sad

My cat died yesterday. I woke up to the sound of him crying, and found him on the floor at the bottom of my bed. By the time we got him to the vet  he was barely breathing, and although the vet tried everything he could, my baby died a few minutes later from heart failure. It all happened so fast; he was fine the night before, yelling at me because it was raining, chasing after the laser pointer with the kids, forcing the other cats to wait until he chose a bowl before they were allowed to eat. And then he was just... gone.

He was just... the loveliest cat. He was 3 feet long and weighed 21 pounds, when he sat on your lap he made your legs go numb. He slept around my baby bump when I was pregnant, and would corral me into bed every night. He slept between my feet, and would curl one paw around my toes. He liked to snuggle under my chin and purr in my ear until I fell asleep. He hated the rain and would check every door in the house, then shout at me when I couldn't make it stop. He liked to be carried around under my arm like a baby, and would shove himself between me and Ben at night, just in case Ben got any ideas. He used to jump on my kids when they got back from swimming lessons and suck their hair because he loved the smell of chlorine. 

Birdie was my black and white angel, and I miss him so much my heart aches. 

This entry was originally posted at Please comment either there or here.

Good News!!

So I've been kind of absent lately, I know. There have been birthdays I've missed, emails I haven't replied to, friends' important moments in their lives that I haven't taken a moment to comment on. Please know that I know this, and that I'm sorry, and that even though I haven't been around, I have been thinking of all of you.

Ben had his operation yesterday though, and so far all signs are pointing to it being a total success. He's awake and talking, only slurring a little, which the doctors insist is just leftover from the anaesthetic (16 hour surgery!), his memory seems fine, and all his movements are coordinated and good - he can even walk already, even though he's a little wobbly. His fine motor skills are a little bit off still (he dropped a cup this morning), but even though Ben's concerned, his surgeon assures me it will go back to normal while he's recuperating. He's going to be in hospital for the next week, and if everything continues as it is, he'll be back at home by next Friday and back to work by the new year! 

So yeah, that's a HUGE weight off my mind! And hopefully, once he's home again, I will feel settled enough to do more than just lurk in fandom. I know you've all got important stuff going on too, and I'm sorry that I've been too preoccupied with my own to offer you all my support, but I hope you know that you have it, whether I'm able to express it or not.

<3 <3 <3

This entry was originally posted at Please comment either there or here.
  • Current Mood: happy happy


I've just written my first 1k for my hd_erised  fic!! I'll admit, I've been moaning a bit about this one, because the things my giftee loves are just a touch off the mark with what I usually write. Not that I'm complaining or blaming the mods or anything, because I know they work really bloody hard to give something to everyone that they can feel comfortable writing, and it's not always going to be perfect. And, after 3 years of truly excellent match-ups for me, I'm absolutely okay with this one being a bit more of a challenge. It's just, a bit hard to get it going, and to get really enthusiastic about the process. But I've started it, which is always the hardest part, and I have a cheerleader to keep me going, and even my trusty beta has promised to hold my hand, even though she's no longer involved in fandom, which is really sweet and encouraging, so I'm sure I'll find my excitement again soon!

So, I came back from holiday a couple of weeks ago, and it's taken me this long just to get back to normal. I must tell you all my experience, because OMG was it a rollercoaster! Okay, so some friends of ours convinced us to go on a coach trip to Spain. They went last year, and they had loads of fun, meeting new people during the 26 hour (!!) drive across France and through the pyrenees (I think? Some mountain range, anyway). So we decided to give it a go, because all the kids would keep each other amused (they have 3 too) and us grownups would have some other adults to talk to. And everything went fine, it was chucking it down with rain on the ferry, Eryn abandoned us to go chat up a boy (because of course), we all watched some movies on the private TVs on the seats, and we chatted and tried to fall asleep and everything was good. Until 1 in the morning, somewhere in Northern France, when the fucking coach broke down! So we were stuck there, on the top floor of this bloody double decker coach, for NINE HOURS OMG. It was boiling, we were swimming in our own sweat, and Imogen (plus a few other younger passengers) ended up being sick due to dehydration. The French police brought us food and water (because the trip organisers couldn't be bothered), and we ended up arriving at the campsite 13 hours later than we should have. I basically had to play I Spy for 12 hours as well, because the replacement coach they found for us didn't have the TVs, and the seats didn't recline, so I had to amuse Imogen for the entire trip through France. It was a fucking nightmare, omg.

Spain was lovely, though. It's been a few years since I've been, and I'd forgotten just how hot it gets there! I even managed to get sunburn (Me!!) on my boobs - ouch! - because I sorted out the kids and Ben and totally forgot about myself, as you do. Imogen went just about able to swim, and came back able to dive like a dolphin and knowing how to snorkle with the fish. We all got lovely tans, Eryn lost her favourite bracelet in the sea, and we all discovered a new Dutch dish that we all absolutely love (it's called 'patat oorlog', and it's chips with raw onion, mayonnaise and satay sauce, which sounds like it really shouldn't go together but it really does and it was amazeballs omg). So yeah, other than getting there, we had a great time, and I'd love to go back again another year - although probably not via coach, haha!

The kids are still at home for the summer, and they're all starting to get on each other's nerves (and mine), so I can't wait for school to start up again. Eryn got her AS level results yesterday, and she got an A and 2 Bs! She's very happy, and ready to buckle down and get even better results next year, so she can get into a good university. She wants to go to London, which is going to be expensive for us, but if she wants it, we'll sort it for her. 

I'm writing a new HD fic, as well as the Ersied one. It was an idea I had, and I don't know if I'll ever finish it, but it would be nice to write a fic again just for fun and because I feel like it, rather than for a fest (although those are always fun too!). Plus, I'm in the middle of rewriting one of my older HD fics into an original story. Well, I say 'middle', but what I really mean is that I'm right at the start. I'll get there though. Maybe...

And... I think that's it? Hope you guys are all happy and well, and I'm going to try commenting on people's posts again - I'm constantly reading them when I don't have time to reply, and then I forget to come back, but I'm working on fixing that!

Love to you all xx This entry was originally posted at Please comment either there or here.
  • Current Mood: determined


As you all know, hd_erised will be opening up next Friday for claiming a spot, and I'm so excited!! The only problem is, I'm going on holiday really early the very next day, and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to sit down at the moment the post goes live - I'll have last minute packing to do, passports to worry over, kids to corral, etc., etc. I should have some time at some point to write my likes/dislikes and all the rest of it, but I'm not sure I'll be free at that exact time (and you know those spots always go so fast!), so I'm looking for a lovely person willing to post a placeholder for me.

Please, please, please?? I'll love you forever :DDD

*shuffles feet* Um, Hi?

So, i've kind of been MIA for the past couple of months. I've missed birthdays, stopped commenting, stopped posting, just... stopped. See, my laptop stopped working (technology tends to do this around me, seriously, ask my family, they all agree it's the weirdest phenomenon); the screen suddenly decided to show me nothing but white fuzz, and while it worked when I hooked it up to the TV, that didn't really help much except for when I wanted to stream something to watch. So, no writing, no LJ scrolling, and no fic reading either (because I can't get that shit to work on my phone).

Then, Ben became ill, like, really ill. It turns out that his congenital hearing defect plus the accident he had as a child (he sliced his face off by falling through a window and had to have several reconstructive surgeries when he was a toddler) have combined to create a gaping hole behind his left eardrum, a hole that has now filled itself with a tumour. It's benign, which is a relief, but it's also still growing, and if it isn't removed soon it may start eating into his brain, so he has to have surgery. And it's a big one. They have to saw into his skull and remove the bone - from temple to an inch or so behind his ear, remove the tumour, then replace the skull. It's brain surgery basically, and we've all been kind of freaking out about it. Luckily, due to Ben's profession, we're not exactly going into this blind - my kids play with the kids of the surgeon who's going to be doing the operation - so we're a bit better prepared than others might be. But still, it's really freaking scary. Add to that my own operation - ablation for my women parts - and we're all kind of floundering a little bit.

And then, my Tumblr account unexpectedly blew up. Turns out, some (probably nice, I keep telling myself they're probably nice) person screencapped a post I wrote about Eryn 3 years ago about something cool she did at school once. So now, I'm being bombarded with hate messages, people telling me I'm a liar, that I'm an attention seeker, a bitch, I should fuck off and die, that my daughter should fuck off and die. Someone even told me I was fat which, while they're not wrong, was a little disturbing. Of course, I've also gotten some lovley messages of support too, but they're being buried by the hate. I've tried to look at it all pragmatically, because intellectually I know that anon hate is just a thing that people do because they can and that it's not really about me, but it's taken a bit of a toll. I find myself flinching a little whenever I log on, just waiting for the new influx of hateful things people have decided I deserve today. It's made me feel a bit nervous of fandom in general, actually.

BUT, now I have a new laptop that actually works (for the time being). I'm glad I managed to get it sorted out now, because I would have hated to have missed out on signing up for hd_erised ! So, now I'm going to catch up on some fics I've missed out on, and remind myself that fandom can be awesome! I've missed you guys!

This entry was originally posted at Please comment either there or here.

Life Update!

I've been knocked on my ass for the last three weeks with a chest infection, and I am getting pretty fed up with my body trying to hack up a lung every 30 seconds. I've had a permanent migraine from my blocked sinuses, which the coughing - plus the lack of sleep from all the coughing - really isn't helping. I feel like I'm dying, and I would really like summer to hurry up and get here so I can feel better.

HOWEVER, in other news, it's my baby's 17th birthday today! I'm feeling a weird mix of pride and anxiety, coupled with feeling old as dirt. But forget about my impending middle age crisis and take a look at my gorgeous child:

picture of my babyCollapse )

I mean... I made that. From scratch. I have no idea how I did it, but I am proud as fuck over it, to be honest.

But yeah, 17 today. Time flies past so damn quick, and I'm gonna go cry about that for a bit. See you all again soon! xx


So, like everyone else seems to be doing, I have made an account on DreamWidth and am in the process of importing my LJ posts over here. I hope I've done it right *fingers crossed*. I'm still figuring out how this new site works (is there a friends page? How do I find people?) but hopefully I'll work it out. With any luck I'll have done the crossposting thing right, so if you feel like following me over here, please feel free to do so - mainly because I suspect that it will be easier for me to find you guys that way! So yeah, do that.

For those of you interested in finding me on other platforms, here are my various online personas:

AO3: lauren3210
Dreamwidth: lauren3210
Tumblr: heaven-is-my-hell
Twitter: @I_Can_Dig_Elvis

(It's so weird how you can track my fandom movements through my names! My Tumblr was set up way back when I was watching The Vampire Diaries, and Twitter when I was all gung-ho for Supernatural, and LJ and AO3 all happened back when I didn't understand originality and just used a handle that was close to my email address. I'm such a weirdo.)

I am currently dying of a cold that has lodged itself in my sinuses, and I feel like I am about to sneeze 100% of the time. But at least the weather's nice, so I am able to put my washing out on the line, which is nice. The girls are all gorgeous, horrible little brats as usual, and Ben is his usual grumpy asshole self, and absolutely nothing has changed in my life since my last post. When did I get so boring?


Someone has made a collection on AO3 and has kept them 'unrevealed' without telling the authors.

I received a comment on another fic of mine, letting me know that my story for last year's dracotops_harry fest had been added to a collection entitled 'Drarry', and that they could no longer view it, even though they had previously commented and bookmarked it. When I checked, I found that it had disappeared from my list of works, and the collection had at least 20 other unrevealed works in its list. I suspect that the creator has probably made a mistake, making a 'collection' of their favourite stories, without realising what an actual collection does to the fic itself. It's easy enough to fix - I just went in and removed my fic from the collection - but unless you know to look for it, you won't know that your fics aren't viewable. So, just letting you know that you might want to check your backlists and see if any are missing so you can remove it from the collection.

And if some people could repost this on their journals/tumblr/etc., that would be awesome, because I know there are many awesome H/D fic writers out there that don't have me on their flists!